Today is Big
Today marks 365 days without Mom. It’s been a long year, as I navigate a bumpy road with out my guide. But I realize, on this day, that I have a choice. To allow the anger and sadness to linger beside me daily; or to intentionally choose appreciation for the days ahead.
I choose the latter.
I woke up to my husbands hand rubbing my back, a nonverbal acknowledgment that this day will require strength. A nine year old climbed into bed at 5:52am, side by side, we tucked ourselves in the fetal position. Silent and still, our breaths being the only movement under the down comforter. By 6:30am, we were downstairs for breakfast, and a sleepy tween appeared at the doorway and gave me a hug. My family may not know what words to say, but they know the gestures of love.
The day was intentionally empty until 2:30 school pick up. While a few errands were tended to, the highlight of my day was a 3.5 mile run, with a stop at in the neighborhood at Bulloughs Pond. This magical place is blocks from our house and a my real life thinking, praying, wishing well. In my pocket I had tucked a few more of mom’s ashes in a zip loc bag, and unleashed them at the same spot where the dogs splash around on those hot summer days. My headsets blasted with Josh Groban’s “You Raise MeUp” and my lungs filled with clean and crisp fall air. Dogs, music, fresh air — I’ve learned her language.
So many of you have written or texted how proud my Mom would be, and I’m starting to agree. Her ability to find the hidden gems in each day, to laugh at the trials that are thrown at us, and to love with her whole heart are absolute gifts to me. And I’m finally seeing her movements in mine.
Every hospital visit would have my searching for uplifting quotes from Mary Baker Eddy, her favorite spiritual advisor. One of the favorites that always emerged was the saying, “Today is Big With Blessings”. And as I overlooked the pond, my phone ringing with loving messages, my family’s embrace still smothering my jacket, I felt it….that today, and every day, IS big with blessings.